One of the most comforting things we can do is to take away
the cloak of secrecy that keeps these children from being able to recover from
their experience. Children need to hear someone say, "I believe you, I'll
take care of you, it's not your fault." But even more critical is the need
to break the silence that creates a fertile environment for sexual abuse to
take place.
WHAT YOU CAN
DO—As A Parent:
You are the
first line of defense for the protection of your children. This involves both
preventing abuse and facing it when it happens.
Here are some
things to do in advance of any specific indication of abuse:
•
Acknowledge
the prevalence of childhood sexual abuse.
•
Establish
a habit of ongoing good communication about sex in your home.
•
Teach
children that their bodies are private; that they have control over them.
•
Teach
children about their "private parts" (those parts covered by a swim
suit).
•
Teach
them the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch."
(Children need the former as much as they need to avoid the latter.)
•
Teach
them to run and/or scream if approached in an inappropriate way.
•
Do
not focus on "strangers" or scaring children; just give them facts.
•
Make
clear the difference between "good secrets" (like a birthday party)
and "bad secrets." Make sure they know they can trust telling you
any "bad secrets."
•
Realize
it can happen in your own home to your own child—either at the hands of an
adult or an older child.
Beyond focusing
on the general understandings listed above, it's important to be prepared to
deal with any potential indications of abuse:
•
Don't
ignore or deny any twinges of concern about possible abuse.
•
Be
alert to indications of abuse:
•
Some
symptoms include nightmares, bed-wetting, and preoccupation with genitals.
•
Some
behaviors include aggressiveness, silence, clinging, and being withdrawn.
•
Some
"problem children" are really "children with a
problem"—the problem of being sexually abused.
•
Make
it easy for a child to tell—by having made it easy for them to talk about sex
in general.
•
Be
sure your child sees you as a source of safety, not as a threat to their
well-being. (Don't threaten or hit your child.)
•
If
your child makes vague comments like, "my bottom hurts," ask
questions.
•
If
your child tells you he or she has been abused, believe it.
•
Don't
take anything your child says lightly; it could be very serious.
•
Don't
overreact, no matter what your child says; getting hysterical will only
frighten them more.
•
Don't
keep this to yourself; get help in dealing with the situation.
•
Get
professional help for your child, making sure that it is gentle and compassionate.
PREVENTION
Despite changes in laws and an increased willingness for people to confront
(and perhaps even prosecute) abusers, the more critical goal is to prevent
it from happening in the first place! This is why it's so important that we
focus on breaking the silence about childhood sexual abuse. It not only
validates the integrity of the person who has been abused, but it also exposes
the abuser in a way that helps to prevent the abuse of others by the same
person. As more survivors speak out about their experience, abusers will no
longer be able to depend on the silence to protect them from exposure, which
may discourage some potential abusers from ever starting down that path.
Countless
children can be saved from this experience if we all join together in a
commitment to breaking the silence—every single time it happens.
Parents of
children who have been sexually assaulted are often faced with feelings of
guilt. Questions they commonly ask include: ‘Why didn’t I know?’ and ‘Why
didn’t my child tell me?'
There needs to be greater awareness of the silence that surrounds child sexual
assaulT.Perpetrators encourage silence
as this secrecy is fundamental to their ability to continue offending
undetected.
Reasons children don’t disclose they
are being sexually assaulted include:
They often feel it is their fault because they let it happen;
They feel disclosure may cause family problems or breakdowns;
The offender is often someone the child knows or heavily relies on;
They fear they will be taken away from their homes and families if they speak
out;
They fear they will be blamed, punished or not believed;
They fear disclosure will cause harm to someone or something they love and care
for, such as family members.
About Their Secrets
Offenders put a great deal of effort into ensuring that a child remains
silent. Apart from promises, threats and bribes, offenders also take advantage
of the child’s powerlessness by presenting a distorted view of what is
happening. Some of the ways offenders ‘trick’ children into secrecy include
convincing the child that:
They are somehow responsible for the abuse;
No-one will believe them if they tell;
They will be punished, not the abuser;
They will be to blame if the offender goes to jail;
They will be to blame if the family breaks up;
They are bad in some way, which is why the assault occurred.
Survival Hints for Parents:
Let your child know that you are willing to talk about what has
happened;
Let your child know that you believe them, and that they are not in trouble;
You also need the opportunity to talk about how you are feeling;
Children still need the security of sensible, firm limits after being abused;
Talk to other parents who are going through the same thing;
Don’t expect too much of yourself.
Kids who have been sexually assaulted often don’t display visible wounds
that can be fixed by medicine or a trip to the doctor. Their wounds can be much
deeper than that, and last a lifetime. It is up to all of us, as concerned
parents and responsible adults, to keep our children safe, and to be informed
and aware of the signs that may be evident in a child who is being sexually
assaulted.
